I don't know what I'm going to write about yet so you'll have to read to find out.

This blog is less purposeful and more ranting about my life. So yeah.. don't read this unless you want to read a lot of stuff that's not really to the point. And it gets a bit messy, so there's your warning.

Huh. So it's been fun so far reviewing a bit of Mark Study and reading The Smell of Sin and then writing my thoughts. It really has. And it's been great talking to people about my posts and having people comment. It's helped me organize and express my thoughts while at alone at home over summer. And my posts have been reminders to me of what I've learned. Lastly, I get a little bit of satisfaction from sharing thoughts about Jesus with people - a bit of self-affirmation or something, maybe.

But uh, now, I find, it's not so simple and easy and neat to write about my thoughts. To be honest, I've had a hard time trying to learn more about following Jesus today, because I've had other thoughts on my mind. Like my life and actually doing something about it. For one, I keep getting caught up in objectifying women for my own pleasure through Internet pornography/masturbation when I feel empty or whatever (I'm not really sure).

So there's one sin in my life I need to cut off. But surely there are more, right?

Right! Except, for me, they're not as blatant and clearly understood as being sin as the aforementioned one. And following Jesus becomes a bit hazy - it becomes less about doing certain tasks, checking off a to-do list, and feeling good about myself cause I've done some things.

Actually, my relationship with my dad has been heavy on my heart/mind as of late. I've thought lots about my relationship with my family in general since coming home, but relating to my dad seems to be hardest. I can be quite critical of him. Sometimes, I wonder why he doesn't relate to me as more of a complete person. Not that he doesn't treat me like a person, but I feel like my relationship with him is very limited - he tells/asks me to do things, offers his hospitality in certain ways, and.. maybe something else too. I wonder why he doesn't talk to me more - why he doesn't show more interest in who I am and why he doesn't respond very much to some of my questions. And I blame him for relating to me poorly, resulting in the relationship that we have now... which I don't particularly enjoy.

Today, though, I was reminded that it's really easy to be critical of my dad in my head. I realized that I've just begun thinking about my relationship with my family. Until now, I've never really desired the kind of relationship with my dad that I desire now. Who knows what kind of things my dad might have done in the past so that he could relate to me better? It's easy for me to criticize my dad for our current relationship, but it's not as easy for me to see the ways that I've contributed to it through my past actions (and my entire life so far, really). And I don't know what my dad might be going through in his life right now, either...

But talking to him about all this, I'm finding, is difficult... I'm afraid.

On top of that, I'm trying to navigate my way around the complexities of Korean culture and how that defines how I should act towards my family. I'm just yet beginning to try to reconcile the things I'm discovering about myself with the things that I feel like I should do, and I don't really know how.

So... what do I do about all this? It's hard for me to think of a certain action I could take that I would know to be following Jesus. That's where I'm at. Thinking about family is frustrating, but I'm not taking any steps toward action. I want to be able to find something that is following Jesus and then do it, but I don't think that's going to happen. Ok, screw this. I'm gonna talk to my dad. I don't know if it's following Jesus, but I don't think that really matters.

Studying Jesus' teachings is relatively neat and clear-cut. For me, it gets hazy when I start thinking about how to apply them to the things that are relevant in my life.