I don't know what I'm going to write about yet so you'll have to read to find out.

This blog is less purposeful and more ranting about my life. So yeah.. don't read this unless you want to read a lot of stuff that's not really to the point. And it gets a bit messy, so there's your warning.

Huh. So it's been fun so far reviewing a bit of Mark Study and reading The Smell of Sin and then writing my thoughts. It really has. And it's been great talking to people about my posts and having people comment. It's helped me organize and express my thoughts while at alone at home over summer. And my posts have been reminders to me of what I've learned. Lastly, I get a little bit of satisfaction from sharing thoughts about Jesus with people - a bit of self-affirmation or something, maybe.

But uh, now, I find, it's not so simple and easy and neat to write about my thoughts. To be honest, I've had a hard time trying to learn more about following Jesus today, because I've had other thoughts on my mind. Like my life and actually doing something about it. For one, I keep getting caught up in objectifying women for my own pleasure through Internet pornography/masturbation when I feel empty or whatever (I'm not really sure).

So there's one sin in my life I need to cut off. But surely there are more, right?

Right! Except, for me, they're not as blatant and clearly understood as being sin as the aforementioned one. And following Jesus becomes a bit hazy - it becomes less about doing certain tasks, checking off a to-do list, and feeling good about myself cause I've done some things.

Actually, my relationship with my dad has been heavy on my heart/mind as of late. I've thought lots about my relationship with my family in general since coming home, but relating to my dad seems to be hardest. I can be quite critical of him. Sometimes, I wonder why he doesn't relate to me as more of a complete person. Not that he doesn't treat me like a person, but I feel like my relationship with him is very limited - he tells/asks me to do things, offers his hospitality in certain ways, and.. maybe something else too. I wonder why he doesn't talk to me more - why he doesn't show more interest in who I am and why he doesn't respond very much to some of my questions. And I blame him for relating to me poorly, resulting in the relationship that we have now... which I don't particularly enjoy.

Today, though, I was reminded that it's really easy to be critical of my dad in my head. I realized that I've just begun thinking about my relationship with my family. Until now, I've never really desired the kind of relationship with my dad that I desire now. Who knows what kind of things my dad might have done in the past so that he could relate to me better? It's easy for me to criticize my dad for our current relationship, but it's not as easy for me to see the ways that I've contributed to it through my past actions (and my entire life so far, really). And I don't know what my dad might be going through in his life right now, either...

But talking to him about all this, I'm finding, is difficult... I'm afraid.

On top of that, I'm trying to navigate my way around the complexities of Korean culture and how that defines how I should act towards my family. I'm just yet beginning to try to reconcile the things I'm discovering about myself with the things that I feel like I should do, and I don't really know how.

So... what do I do about all this? It's hard for me to think of a certain action I could take that I would know to be following Jesus. That's where I'm at. Thinking about family is frustrating, but I'm not taking any steps toward action. I want to be able to find something that is following Jesus and then do it, but I don't think that's going to happen. Ok, screw this. I'm gonna talk to my dad. I don't know if it's following Jesus, but I don't think that really matters.

Studying Jesus' teachings is relatively neat and clear-cut. For me, it gets hazy when I start thinking about how to apply them to the things that are relevant in my life.

So I've been reading this liiiittle book about this liiiiitle word

For the past week or so, I've been reading a book called The Smell of Sin (and the Fresh Air of Grace) by Don Everts. It's been fun to read, and it's kept me interested (which many books can not do).

Yeah, I don't really remember most of what I've read so far, especially the beginning (I'm like halfway through). But I wanted to write down my thoughts about the stuff I'm reading now, because it's making me want to change things about the way I live.

The part that really got me thinking talked about how Jesus is the light. If we obey his commands, then we're in the light! If we sin, then we're lost, and we're kinda blind. Don's description of a sheep without a shepard (which is from the bible) kinda hit me hard. He described a sheep that had fallen on it's side. To quote, "If he trips and falls on his side, he could lie there and die, never knowing why the field has suddenly gone sideways. He has absolutely no capacity, in and of himself, to regain his equilibrium." According to the bible, Jesus sees us as lost sheep.

When I think about how this applies to me, I get a little nervous and worried. What scares me is the thought that I have fallen on my side or become blind and I am unaware of that fact. If I've fallen on my side and I don't know it, I'm screwed - how will I know that I'm in need of help?

This aspect of sin gives me real consequences for my life. It makes sin heavy on my heart/mind. It makes me want to not sin. Instead of being helpless, I'd rather be able to see clearly and base my actions on what's true instead of on my skewed perception of things.

So... what to do now?

Jesus would have liked Doritos' BOLD flavors! ha...!

He was pretty bold, right? I mean, he did crazy things and I always hear people describing him as being bold and radical.

But I read the story of the paralytic and his four friends, and I think Jesus likes boldness in others, too.

People are amazed by the things Jesus is doing, so they crowd around the house he's staying in. Four guys have a friend who is a paralytic. OK, I'm going to do a little interpretation now. They're thinking, "OK. This Jesus dude just rid a leper of leprosy. He made someone who was unclean clean. We gotta get our paralytic friend to him, so that he can be healed too."

They get there, and it's so packed that they can't even see inside the house. They're like, "F this. We're getting our friend to Jesus - a big crowd isn't gonna stop us." So they scale the freaking roof and then start breaking the roof in order to make a hole in it. Now, the owner of this house has gotta be like WTF?! And the four guys must realize how crazy and ridiculous their actions look. They must care about getting their friend, who is obviously freaking loved by these four dudes, to Jesus more than they care about how crazy and ridiculous they look. Who will want to be friends with these guys (besides the paralytic)? They will probably be shunned from people's homes after this!

So they finally get through the roof, and they lower their friend into the house in front of Jesus. People are shocked that these four guys would have the audacity to do what they've just done. But Jesus sees their audacity, and he says (actually, he observes this) that they have faith.

Now, people probably expected Jesus to heal the paralytic. I mean, he's been pretty good to people with bad physical conditions thus far. But I think that Jesus was impressed by the sheer audacity of those 4 crazy friends. He likes it and appreciates it. And that's why he meets their audacity with some audacity of his own - he forgives the sins of the paralytic. Instead of just healing the dude, Jesus first puts himself out there in a highly controversial way and forgives the dude's sins.
Of course, then some scribes are thinking, "Who do you think you are!?!?!?!"

And I don't just think that Jesus was thinking to himself, "The next guy that asks me to heal him, I'm going to use him to show people I can forgive sins!" I like to think that this was Jesus' way of properly responding to something that he really appreciated.

So that's something I see in Jesus now. He appreciates boldness in others (specifically, being bold toward him). He thinks it is proper to respond to that with boldness of his own.

So... if we do something crazy/ridiculous for Jesus, he won't leave us hanging - he'll respond somehow with some craziness of his own. Just the kind of guy he is, I suppose. Cool.

Goodbye to thinking... to an extent

For some wacky and unknown reason, whenever I have a depressing thought (ex: i feel empty inside or i don't know why i act like a jerk to my mom sometimes), my knee-jerk reaction is to think intensely about my situation. And I don't think about ways to proactively change things. I think about why the situation is what it is. And for some reason, that usually makes me more depressed and makes me hole up within myself / i disconnect from reality!

So I've come to a conclusion. When I'm confused/sad, intense thinking does me NO GOOD WHATSOEVER! I must not be a very hopeful/optimistic-minded person or something.

I think I need to give myself permission to act without thinking so much. My mind is not my best friend. And I don't think it has my best intentions in mind (ha). So maybe I need to be more open to acting without being completely sure of why or what it will accomplish. I can think about things forever (and painfully) ............................................................. if I want to.

The decision to follow Jesus is an important one. It shouldn't be taken lightly. But when it comes to decisions like these, knowledge doesn't make it any easier to decide. I know a lot more about Jesus than the disciples did when he told them to follow, but they're the ones who dropped their jobs and left their families to scratch the itch that was Jesus. It's always a risk.