An end to LAUP processing.. an adventure

Hmmm. So, for those who haven't heard yet, I've decided to go to LAUP, which starts tomorrow! Right now, though, I'd like to write about this whole process so that I can share it and record it.

LAUP processing was difficult and stressful for a variety of reasons. But, in the end, I find that I'm really grateful for the process, even though it might have been quite painful sometimes. Here's why.

As I tried to process for LAUP and follow Jesus, I was continually pushed by Jesus to interact with my family in ways that I didn't want to. Also, Matt continually pushed me to make my family a part of my LAUP process. I especially want to remember the risks I took with my Dad, so here's a bit of a recount..

1) Felt like I needed to start up a conversation with him about our relationship (in a broad way).

Consequence: My dad pretty much says, "Why bother? You don't really listen to what I have to say anyways." I don't really know how to respond to that. But later on, I think back and realize that I often shut my dad down because I feel like he's lecturing. And I apologize for that, and he talks for a bit about going to older people for wisdom and insight that comes from experience.

2) Felt like I should confess my sexual sin to him.

Consequence: He doesn't respond in a way that I'm used to (comforting, talking it out, etc.). He pretty much tells me that I need to know how to spend my time better so that my thoughts don't wander into tempting thoughts all the time. He tells me to make a schedule for my summer and stuff.

3) Felt like I should confess my sexual sin to him again.

Consequence: This time, he seems even less understanding, and asks why I bother confessing to him if I'm not going to change my lifestyle (aka I haven't done what he advised me to do last time or made any real effort to do anything really). And he kind of recommends the same kind of things for me.

4) Felt like I should tell him that I love him. Twice. The second one took me more than a day to do.

Consequence: He tells me that he's always praying for me and that I'm his only son. And he tells me that he loves me too.


These last few weeks have not been fun. Often, I hated the risks put on my heart. But I'm glad that I took at least a few of them. At the time, I felt like my dad wasn't very responsive to the risks that I took in our relationship. Now, I feel like he has responded, but maybe in really small, slow, and subtle ways that I don't notice immediately. I'm not able to put into words how God specifically has brought shalom in my relationship with my father (and many others), but I know he has. Maybe the shalom is really small, but it's a hell of a lot better than nothing. A hell of a lot better.

Actually, looking back, I remember feeling quite neglected and ignored by my father during the beginning of summer. All I saw in our relationship was brokenness. My dad has always done a lot for me. But over the past few years, I became jaded to his acts of hospitality and looked at the lack of actual relating/understanding in our relationship with bitterness. As I've tried to love him and work on our relationship through these risks, I feel like I've begun to understand more on a real level that my dad loves me. I believe it more now. Huh... that's pretty big.

Before having my final conversation with Matt, some people from Armadale/Paulhan prayed with me. Having them speak God's love to me in my LAUP processing helped me realize how God had redeemed the pain and difficulty of the process, even if that stuff came out of me (I'm so thankful to you guys who prayed with me that night!!! Thank you guys so much...). I'm so thankful for this LAUP processing. It's been a great blessing - I've received so much.

Thank you to all my friends who read my blog entries or talked to me about my life these past few weeks. I'm off to LAUP tomorrow, so these blogs come to a 6 week hiatus. Thanks for joining me on this adventure. Ttyl.

Yay. Thoughts and LAUP and fdsa.

It's been a while since my last post. I think it'll do me good to write one up right now.

I'm going to write out my feelings so that I can express them and then I'll move on.
I feel.. like following Jesus is like checking off a list of tasks. It's stressful to think about it. I've been doing some processing with Matt over whether or not I should go to LAUP. And I've been trying to trust Jesus and choose to listen to him so that I can prove to myself and Matt that I can do LAUP, because I feel pressure to do LAUP this summer. After all, I was supposed to do it last year but things fell apart, and if I'm going to follow Jesus I might as well start now and spend a summer learning about and doing that... right? It's been somewhat painful, trying to figure this stuff out.

I let my emotions rule me a lot. That's been my MO so far. And my emotions play a big part in deciding whether I choose to trust Jesus with my life or not. But I can't keep doing that. I feel like I've probably experienced enough things in my life to make a decision to follow Jesus. I love his teachings in theory, I love the things that come about when I obey those teachings, but right now I hate feeling obligated to follow when obedience seems difficult and risky - it leaves me with a headache (usually cause, even when I try to not think and to just trust, I still end up doing a lot of debating in my mind).

So I've been trying to just trust and not think too much. Right now, I'm not too excited about following Jesus. But I can still choose to. But, when things become difficult and I really have to trust, I start wondering why exactly I'm deciding to commit my life to following Jesus. My decision seems rash, without much at all to back it up. Lately, I've been having a hard time figuring out why I want to follow, in my mind. But as I right this out, I can remember some of the times when I was certain that I wanted to follow Jesus - I can remember the times when I felt like there were so many reasons to. It's comforting to know that, even though my emotions (I don't feel like following him right now!) and my mind (I can't convince myself through reason that giving my life to him is that great of a decision right now!) don't really help me follow Jesus, I can, in a way, kind of trust the things that I thought and felt in the past, as shaky as that sounds to me.

I don't know. Blah.

SO... dun dun dunnn! Do I WANT to go to LAUP (so that I can grow as a Christian)?

Uhm.......yes??

Do I want to go through LAUP, which will be difficult, stretching, painful, and perhaps exhausting, so that I can grow as a Christian?

Uhm.......yes?? I don't know the answer to that question.