It's been a while since my last post. I think it'll do me good to write one up right now.
I'm going to write out my feelings so that I can express them and then I'll move on.
I feel.. like following Jesus is like checking off a list of tasks. It's stressful to think about it. I've been doing some processing with Matt over whether or not I should go to LAUP. And I've been trying to trust Jesus and choose to listen to him so that I can prove to myself and Matt that I can do LAUP, because I feel pressure to do LAUP this summer. After all, I was supposed to do it last year but things fell apart, and if I'm going to follow Jesus I might as well start now and spend a summer learning about and doing that... right? It's been somewhat painful, trying to figure this stuff out.
I let my emotions rule me a lot. That's been my MO so far. And my emotions play a big part in deciding whether I choose to trust Jesus with my life or not. But I can't keep doing that. I feel like I've probably experienced enough things in my life to make a decision to follow Jesus. I love his teachings in theory, I love the things that come about when I obey those teachings, but right now I hate feeling obligated to follow when obedience seems difficult and risky - it leaves me with a headache (usually cause, even when I try to not think and to just trust, I still end up doing a lot of debating in my mind).
So I've been trying to just trust and not think too much. Right now, I'm not too excited about following Jesus. But I can still choose to. But, when things become difficult and I really have to trust, I start wondering why exactly I'm deciding to commit my life to following Jesus. My decision seems rash, without much at all to back it up. Lately, I've been having a hard time figuring out why I want to follow, in my mind. But as I right this out, I can remember some of the times when I was certain that I wanted to follow Jesus - I can remember the times when I felt like there were so many reasons to. It's comforting to know that, even though my emotions (I don't feel like following him right now!) and my mind (I can't convince myself through reason that giving my life to him is that great of a decision right now!) don't really help me follow Jesus, I can, in a way, kind of trust the things that I thought and felt in the past, as shaky as that sounds to me.
I don't know. Blah.
SO... dun dun dunnn! Do I WANT to go to LAUP (so that I can grow as a Christian)?
Uhm.......yes??
Do I want to go through LAUP, which will be difficult, stretching, painful, and perhaps exhausting, so that I can grow as a Christian?
Uhm.......yes?? I don't know the answer to that question.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
7 comments:
i feel you on several levels...have you seen A Beautiful Mind? When I watch it through the lens of following Jesus, it helps me get a picture of how I should react to my emotion world.
think i saw it in like the 8th grade. completely forgot what the movie's like... maybe i'll watch it again - i'm curious
hi eric, i can tell that you've definitely thought it through, both following Jesus, and doing LAUP. our emotions are so tricky because they are here today and gone the next, while Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever. that said, there is nothing that says that you have to do LAUP to be a disciple of Jesus, or vice versa. so this isn't a make-or-break.
hi e! i always enjoy reading your blog because you're so honest about your jesus stuff! i know you've been doing a lot of thinking about this whole laup thing... a lot like whoaaa. this isn't jesus related, but i find that i don't feel as stoked about things, even when they're things i thoroughly enjoy, when i feel obligated to do them. same for laup perhaps? update me!! :)
haha I'm pretty sure you're saying YES quite loudly in your subconscious, but have a few doubts about the practicality of going to LAUP. I'm glad you think about it so intensely, because it means you really evaluate what it means to follow Jesus! I myself don't think about it too much and sort of bumble my way through things. I don't think LAUP and following Jesus should be necessarily thought of as an essential combination though- you follow Jesus in different ways! So LAUP isn't an obligation, but you're right, it'll definitely stretch you as a Christian. I have problems with obligation, too. Go Eric!!
here's a korean song I really like!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Up9biR4Zexw
sorry, I just noticed how random my last post was. Essentials- you can do it Eric! you can trust Jesus!
Thanks for the honesty eric! Sounds like you are able to think things through and see how God has been good in the past, even as it doesn't feel good right now.
The one thing I wonder is where does the feeling of obligation come from? Who/what is obligating you to go to LAUP? Going to LAUP isn't like choosing to follow Jesus, it isn't a make it or break it for life. It should be experienced as an opportunity.
I know that as long as you don't feel like the choice is really yours to make, then it's not really a choice is it?
hope that makes sense, I'll be praying for you bro. Let me know when you get back so we can hang out before I peace out.
Post a Comment