Following Jesus and honoring your parents

I should probably read that IVP book titled "Following Jesus without dishonoring your parents."

I'm going to try to encapsulate many big thoughts in this blog. We'll see how this goes. PS: this post is long as hell. And possibly a bit incoherent.

I have been feeling down about my relationship with my dad. Since my second day back home, my dad has been unhappy about the way I spend my time (going out to hang out with friends a lot, spending lots of time in front of the computer, sleeping in), and he has shown it. You see, he always tells me that my break should be spent to its absolute fullest - developing my talents, reading good books - and that sleeping in is a waste of that precious, precious time. In his unhappiness, he is pretty quiet around me and gives me looks/noises of disapproval. In turn, I have been feeling hurt and bitter. So I've justified myself and looked down on my dad.

In addition, whenever my mom and I talk about my future career, we both end up getting pretty emotional and kind of hurt by each other. My parents and I both wonder when I will come to a decision about a career path post-grad. But my parents are more worried and anxious about it. And my own thoughts don't really lead me anywhere closer to a decision, but I insist that I have to figure these things out and that I can't make a decision without sufficient reasoning. I'm frustrated with myself and somehow hurt by the expectations my parents have of me.

Well, I had another talk with my mom tonight. She gave me a new perspective on my dad. She shared with me the ways that my dad is affected by his own upbringing and his father's strict rule. It helped me see that some of the ways my dad relates to me isn't just out of anger/disappointment/annoyance with me but that they are sometimes out of wanting good things for me. It also helped me to see that my dad has different expectations for a healthy relationship with me. For the past year or so, I've felt bitter about the lack of closeness that I perceived in our relationship - there's usually very little display of concern over how we're doing and conversation isn't about who I am but about what I am going to do with my life. But now I see a little more that my dad and mom express their care for me primarily by worrying about my future and doing whatever they can to help towards a good one. I wonder where relating through conversation is ranked on their list of important ways of caring for their son. Somehow, over the last couple years, that has risen to the top of MY list.

You see, before coming to college, I might have been dissatisfied with my relationship with my parents, but that dissatisfaction has grown immensely over the last two years. I think a lot of that has to do with exposure to American culture. Although I've lived in California my whole life, I've always been sheltered in a major Asian community. I always went to a Korean church, and my close friends were always at least Asian if not Korean. Professors/advisors at Oxy have been a part of my exposure to this culture where people put the utmost importance on how you view/think/feel about things. But I think that Intervarsity has been the biggest influence in that area. It was in IVCF that I was taught that it is important to 1) ask your friends how they are doing and 2) share deeply when they ask how you are doing in return. For the first time in my church background, the emphasis was on how leadership roles would be good for MY spiritual growth, not on how my skills would benefit OTHERS' spiritual growth.

And I have to admit, this experience of being poured into and cared for was like a gush of life-giving water (for many reasons, but I won't go into my history in too much detail). But somehow, I feel, I fell so much in love with this way of life that I was ready to discredit and abandon many of the values that I had been raised in. I was so quick to point out the sin/brokenness in the ways that my family and church related with me that I failed to see the good in them. And that is just too darn bad.

Anyways, at this point I feel the desire to ease my parents' concern for me. Why don't I just decide to make medical school my goal? I don't really have any objections to the profession. There are so many different fields. And although it's four years of intense studying, I actually enjoy learning, so as long as it's not boring as hell it might not be that bad. Everyone will be happy then, right? I feel like that would ease so much of my relational strains with my parents.

But there are still lots of questions I have.
What does it look like to follow Jesus in this situation? I have no idea what he would think about my decision.
How do I know where my relationship with my parents is broken? Some of areas that I see as broken are not considered as being broken by my parents. Which cultural value lens do I use to judge and discern?

I need guidance. From God, and from you, my community.