Following Jesus and honoring your parents

I should probably read that IVP book titled "Following Jesus without dishonoring your parents."

I'm going to try to encapsulate many big thoughts in this blog. We'll see how this goes. PS: this post is long as hell. And possibly a bit incoherent.

I have been feeling down about my relationship with my dad. Since my second day back home, my dad has been unhappy about the way I spend my time (going out to hang out with friends a lot, spending lots of time in front of the computer, sleeping in), and he has shown it. You see, he always tells me that my break should be spent to its absolute fullest - developing my talents, reading good books - and that sleeping in is a waste of that precious, precious time. In his unhappiness, he is pretty quiet around me and gives me looks/noises of disapproval. In turn, I have been feeling hurt and bitter. So I've justified myself and looked down on my dad.

In addition, whenever my mom and I talk about my future career, we both end up getting pretty emotional and kind of hurt by each other. My parents and I both wonder when I will come to a decision about a career path post-grad. But my parents are more worried and anxious about it. And my own thoughts don't really lead me anywhere closer to a decision, but I insist that I have to figure these things out and that I can't make a decision without sufficient reasoning. I'm frustrated with myself and somehow hurt by the expectations my parents have of me.

Well, I had another talk with my mom tonight. She gave me a new perspective on my dad. She shared with me the ways that my dad is affected by his own upbringing and his father's strict rule. It helped me see that some of the ways my dad relates to me isn't just out of anger/disappointment/annoyance with me but that they are sometimes out of wanting good things for me. It also helped me to see that my dad has different expectations for a healthy relationship with me. For the past year or so, I've felt bitter about the lack of closeness that I perceived in our relationship - there's usually very little display of concern over how we're doing and conversation isn't about who I am but about what I am going to do with my life. But now I see a little more that my dad and mom express their care for me primarily by worrying about my future and doing whatever they can to help towards a good one. I wonder where relating through conversation is ranked on their list of important ways of caring for their son. Somehow, over the last couple years, that has risen to the top of MY list.

You see, before coming to college, I might have been dissatisfied with my relationship with my parents, but that dissatisfaction has grown immensely over the last two years. I think a lot of that has to do with exposure to American culture. Although I've lived in California my whole life, I've always been sheltered in a major Asian community. I always went to a Korean church, and my close friends were always at least Asian if not Korean. Professors/advisors at Oxy have been a part of my exposure to this culture where people put the utmost importance on how you view/think/feel about things. But I think that Intervarsity has been the biggest influence in that area. It was in IVCF that I was taught that it is important to 1) ask your friends how they are doing and 2) share deeply when they ask how you are doing in return. For the first time in my church background, the emphasis was on how leadership roles would be good for MY spiritual growth, not on how my skills would benefit OTHERS' spiritual growth.

And I have to admit, this experience of being poured into and cared for was like a gush of life-giving water (for many reasons, but I won't go into my history in too much detail). But somehow, I feel, I fell so much in love with this way of life that I was ready to discredit and abandon many of the values that I had been raised in. I was so quick to point out the sin/brokenness in the ways that my family and church related with me that I failed to see the good in them. And that is just too darn bad.

Anyways, at this point I feel the desire to ease my parents' concern for me. Why don't I just decide to make medical school my goal? I don't really have any objections to the profession. There are so many different fields. And although it's four years of intense studying, I actually enjoy learning, so as long as it's not boring as hell it might not be that bad. Everyone will be happy then, right? I feel like that would ease so much of my relational strains with my parents.

But there are still lots of questions I have.
What does it look like to follow Jesus in this situation? I have no idea what he would think about my decision.
How do I know where my relationship with my parents is broken? Some of areas that I see as broken are not considered as being broken by my parents. Which cultural value lens do I use to judge and discern?

I need guidance. From God, and from you, my community.

An end to LAUP processing.. an adventure

Hmmm. So, for those who haven't heard yet, I've decided to go to LAUP, which starts tomorrow! Right now, though, I'd like to write about this whole process so that I can share it and record it.

LAUP processing was difficult and stressful for a variety of reasons. But, in the end, I find that I'm really grateful for the process, even though it might have been quite painful sometimes. Here's why.

As I tried to process for LAUP and follow Jesus, I was continually pushed by Jesus to interact with my family in ways that I didn't want to. Also, Matt continually pushed me to make my family a part of my LAUP process. I especially want to remember the risks I took with my Dad, so here's a bit of a recount..

1) Felt like I needed to start up a conversation with him about our relationship (in a broad way).

Consequence: My dad pretty much says, "Why bother? You don't really listen to what I have to say anyways." I don't really know how to respond to that. But later on, I think back and realize that I often shut my dad down because I feel like he's lecturing. And I apologize for that, and he talks for a bit about going to older people for wisdom and insight that comes from experience.

2) Felt like I should confess my sexual sin to him.

Consequence: He doesn't respond in a way that I'm used to (comforting, talking it out, etc.). He pretty much tells me that I need to know how to spend my time better so that my thoughts don't wander into tempting thoughts all the time. He tells me to make a schedule for my summer and stuff.

3) Felt like I should confess my sexual sin to him again.

Consequence: This time, he seems even less understanding, and asks why I bother confessing to him if I'm not going to change my lifestyle (aka I haven't done what he advised me to do last time or made any real effort to do anything really). And he kind of recommends the same kind of things for me.

4) Felt like I should tell him that I love him. Twice. The second one took me more than a day to do.

Consequence: He tells me that he's always praying for me and that I'm his only son. And he tells me that he loves me too.


These last few weeks have not been fun. Often, I hated the risks put on my heart. But I'm glad that I took at least a few of them. At the time, I felt like my dad wasn't very responsive to the risks that I took in our relationship. Now, I feel like he has responded, but maybe in really small, slow, and subtle ways that I don't notice immediately. I'm not able to put into words how God specifically has brought shalom in my relationship with my father (and many others), but I know he has. Maybe the shalom is really small, but it's a hell of a lot better than nothing. A hell of a lot better.

Actually, looking back, I remember feeling quite neglected and ignored by my father during the beginning of summer. All I saw in our relationship was brokenness. My dad has always done a lot for me. But over the past few years, I became jaded to his acts of hospitality and looked at the lack of actual relating/understanding in our relationship with bitterness. As I've tried to love him and work on our relationship through these risks, I feel like I've begun to understand more on a real level that my dad loves me. I believe it more now. Huh... that's pretty big.

Before having my final conversation with Matt, some people from Armadale/Paulhan prayed with me. Having them speak God's love to me in my LAUP processing helped me realize how God had redeemed the pain and difficulty of the process, even if that stuff came out of me (I'm so thankful to you guys who prayed with me that night!!! Thank you guys so much...). I'm so thankful for this LAUP processing. It's been a great blessing - I've received so much.

Thank you to all my friends who read my blog entries or talked to me about my life these past few weeks. I'm off to LAUP tomorrow, so these blogs come to a 6 week hiatus. Thanks for joining me on this adventure. Ttyl.

Yay. Thoughts and LAUP and fdsa.

It's been a while since my last post. I think it'll do me good to write one up right now.

I'm going to write out my feelings so that I can express them and then I'll move on.
I feel.. like following Jesus is like checking off a list of tasks. It's stressful to think about it. I've been doing some processing with Matt over whether or not I should go to LAUP. And I've been trying to trust Jesus and choose to listen to him so that I can prove to myself and Matt that I can do LAUP, because I feel pressure to do LAUP this summer. After all, I was supposed to do it last year but things fell apart, and if I'm going to follow Jesus I might as well start now and spend a summer learning about and doing that... right? It's been somewhat painful, trying to figure this stuff out.

I let my emotions rule me a lot. That's been my MO so far. And my emotions play a big part in deciding whether I choose to trust Jesus with my life or not. But I can't keep doing that. I feel like I've probably experienced enough things in my life to make a decision to follow Jesus. I love his teachings in theory, I love the things that come about when I obey those teachings, but right now I hate feeling obligated to follow when obedience seems difficult and risky - it leaves me with a headache (usually cause, even when I try to not think and to just trust, I still end up doing a lot of debating in my mind).

So I've been trying to just trust and not think too much. Right now, I'm not too excited about following Jesus. But I can still choose to. But, when things become difficult and I really have to trust, I start wondering why exactly I'm deciding to commit my life to following Jesus. My decision seems rash, without much at all to back it up. Lately, I've been having a hard time figuring out why I want to follow, in my mind. But as I right this out, I can remember some of the times when I was certain that I wanted to follow Jesus - I can remember the times when I felt like there were so many reasons to. It's comforting to know that, even though my emotions (I don't feel like following him right now!) and my mind (I can't convince myself through reason that giving my life to him is that great of a decision right now!) don't really help me follow Jesus, I can, in a way, kind of trust the things that I thought and felt in the past, as shaky as that sounds to me.

I don't know. Blah.

SO... dun dun dunnn! Do I WANT to go to LAUP (so that I can grow as a Christian)?

Uhm.......yes??

Do I want to go through LAUP, which will be difficult, stretching, painful, and perhaps exhausting, so that I can grow as a Christian?

Uhm.......yes?? I don't know the answer to that question.

I don't know what I'm going to write about yet so you'll have to read to find out.

This blog is less purposeful and more ranting about my life. So yeah.. don't read this unless you want to read a lot of stuff that's not really to the point. And it gets a bit messy, so there's your warning.

Huh. So it's been fun so far reviewing a bit of Mark Study and reading The Smell of Sin and then writing my thoughts. It really has. And it's been great talking to people about my posts and having people comment. It's helped me organize and express my thoughts while at alone at home over summer. And my posts have been reminders to me of what I've learned. Lastly, I get a little bit of satisfaction from sharing thoughts about Jesus with people - a bit of self-affirmation or something, maybe.

But uh, now, I find, it's not so simple and easy and neat to write about my thoughts. To be honest, I've had a hard time trying to learn more about following Jesus today, because I've had other thoughts on my mind. Like my life and actually doing something about it. For one, I keep getting caught up in objectifying women for my own pleasure through Internet pornography/masturbation when I feel empty or whatever (I'm not really sure).

So there's one sin in my life I need to cut off. But surely there are more, right?

Right! Except, for me, they're not as blatant and clearly understood as being sin as the aforementioned one. And following Jesus becomes a bit hazy - it becomes less about doing certain tasks, checking off a to-do list, and feeling good about myself cause I've done some things.

Actually, my relationship with my dad has been heavy on my heart/mind as of late. I've thought lots about my relationship with my family in general since coming home, but relating to my dad seems to be hardest. I can be quite critical of him. Sometimes, I wonder why he doesn't relate to me as more of a complete person. Not that he doesn't treat me like a person, but I feel like my relationship with him is very limited - he tells/asks me to do things, offers his hospitality in certain ways, and.. maybe something else too. I wonder why he doesn't talk to me more - why he doesn't show more interest in who I am and why he doesn't respond very much to some of my questions. And I blame him for relating to me poorly, resulting in the relationship that we have now... which I don't particularly enjoy.

Today, though, I was reminded that it's really easy to be critical of my dad in my head. I realized that I've just begun thinking about my relationship with my family. Until now, I've never really desired the kind of relationship with my dad that I desire now. Who knows what kind of things my dad might have done in the past so that he could relate to me better? It's easy for me to criticize my dad for our current relationship, but it's not as easy for me to see the ways that I've contributed to it through my past actions (and my entire life so far, really). And I don't know what my dad might be going through in his life right now, either...

But talking to him about all this, I'm finding, is difficult... I'm afraid.

On top of that, I'm trying to navigate my way around the complexities of Korean culture and how that defines how I should act towards my family. I'm just yet beginning to try to reconcile the things I'm discovering about myself with the things that I feel like I should do, and I don't really know how.

So... what do I do about all this? It's hard for me to think of a certain action I could take that I would know to be following Jesus. That's where I'm at. Thinking about family is frustrating, but I'm not taking any steps toward action. I want to be able to find something that is following Jesus and then do it, but I don't think that's going to happen. Ok, screw this. I'm gonna talk to my dad. I don't know if it's following Jesus, but I don't think that really matters.

Studying Jesus' teachings is relatively neat and clear-cut. For me, it gets hazy when I start thinking about how to apply them to the things that are relevant in my life.

So I've been reading this liiiittle book about this liiiiitle word

For the past week or so, I've been reading a book called The Smell of Sin (and the Fresh Air of Grace) by Don Everts. It's been fun to read, and it's kept me interested (which many books can not do).

Yeah, I don't really remember most of what I've read so far, especially the beginning (I'm like halfway through). But I wanted to write down my thoughts about the stuff I'm reading now, because it's making me want to change things about the way I live.

The part that really got me thinking talked about how Jesus is the light. If we obey his commands, then we're in the light! If we sin, then we're lost, and we're kinda blind. Don's description of a sheep without a shepard (which is from the bible) kinda hit me hard. He described a sheep that had fallen on it's side. To quote, "If he trips and falls on his side, he could lie there and die, never knowing why the field has suddenly gone sideways. He has absolutely no capacity, in and of himself, to regain his equilibrium." According to the bible, Jesus sees us as lost sheep.

When I think about how this applies to me, I get a little nervous and worried. What scares me is the thought that I have fallen on my side or become blind and I am unaware of that fact. If I've fallen on my side and I don't know it, I'm screwed - how will I know that I'm in need of help?

This aspect of sin gives me real consequences for my life. It makes sin heavy on my heart/mind. It makes me want to not sin. Instead of being helpless, I'd rather be able to see clearly and base my actions on what's true instead of on my skewed perception of things.

So... what to do now?

Jesus would have liked Doritos' BOLD flavors! ha...!

He was pretty bold, right? I mean, he did crazy things and I always hear people describing him as being bold and radical.

But I read the story of the paralytic and his four friends, and I think Jesus likes boldness in others, too.

People are amazed by the things Jesus is doing, so they crowd around the house he's staying in. Four guys have a friend who is a paralytic. OK, I'm going to do a little interpretation now. They're thinking, "OK. This Jesus dude just rid a leper of leprosy. He made someone who was unclean clean. We gotta get our paralytic friend to him, so that he can be healed too."

They get there, and it's so packed that they can't even see inside the house. They're like, "F this. We're getting our friend to Jesus - a big crowd isn't gonna stop us." So they scale the freaking roof and then start breaking the roof in order to make a hole in it. Now, the owner of this house has gotta be like WTF?! And the four guys must realize how crazy and ridiculous their actions look. They must care about getting their friend, who is obviously freaking loved by these four dudes, to Jesus more than they care about how crazy and ridiculous they look. Who will want to be friends with these guys (besides the paralytic)? They will probably be shunned from people's homes after this!

So they finally get through the roof, and they lower their friend into the house in front of Jesus. People are shocked that these four guys would have the audacity to do what they've just done. But Jesus sees their audacity, and he says (actually, he observes this) that they have faith.

Now, people probably expected Jesus to heal the paralytic. I mean, he's been pretty good to people with bad physical conditions thus far. But I think that Jesus was impressed by the sheer audacity of those 4 crazy friends. He likes it and appreciates it. And that's why he meets their audacity with some audacity of his own - he forgives the sins of the paralytic. Instead of just healing the dude, Jesus first puts himself out there in a highly controversial way and forgives the dude's sins.
Of course, then some scribes are thinking, "Who do you think you are!?!?!?!"

And I don't just think that Jesus was thinking to himself, "The next guy that asks me to heal him, I'm going to use him to show people I can forgive sins!" I like to think that this was Jesus' way of properly responding to something that he really appreciated.

So that's something I see in Jesus now. He appreciates boldness in others (specifically, being bold toward him). He thinks it is proper to respond to that with boldness of his own.

So... if we do something crazy/ridiculous for Jesus, he won't leave us hanging - he'll respond somehow with some craziness of his own. Just the kind of guy he is, I suppose. Cool.

Goodbye to thinking... to an extent

For some wacky and unknown reason, whenever I have a depressing thought (ex: i feel empty inside or i don't know why i act like a jerk to my mom sometimes), my knee-jerk reaction is to think intensely about my situation. And I don't think about ways to proactively change things. I think about why the situation is what it is. And for some reason, that usually makes me more depressed and makes me hole up within myself / i disconnect from reality!

So I've come to a conclusion. When I'm confused/sad, intense thinking does me NO GOOD WHATSOEVER! I must not be a very hopeful/optimistic-minded person or something.

I think I need to give myself permission to act without thinking so much. My mind is not my best friend. And I don't think it has my best intentions in mind (ha). So maybe I need to be more open to acting without being completely sure of why or what it will accomplish. I can think about things forever (and painfully) ............................................................. if I want to.

The decision to follow Jesus is an important one. It shouldn't be taken lightly. But when it comes to decisions like these, knowledge doesn't make it any easier to decide. I know a lot more about Jesus than the disciples did when he told them to follow, but they're the ones who dropped their jobs and left their families to scratch the itch that was Jesus. It's always a risk.